Uma dor de cabeça terrível me fez ir para casa mais cedo, e eu esperava por uma tarde tranquila sozinha. Mas ver minha filha, que deveria estar na escola, e seu padrasto atrás daquela porta fechada me abalou profundamente. O que descobri partiu meu coração em dois e me deixou em lágrimas.
“Mãe, eu simplesmente não consigo me dar bem com o Mike! Eu tenho meus motivos, ok?” minha filha Lily costumava dizer sempre que eu mencionava o padrasto dela. Isso doía. Essa cena se repetiu inúmeras vezes nos últimos quatro anos, desde que me casei com o Mike. Minha filha de 12 anos, geralmente tão doce e alegre, se transformava em uma pessoa completamente diferente perto do padrasto. 💔
Uma jovem garota furiosa | Fonte: Midjourney
Eu observava impotente enquanto os olhos de Lily endureciam, suas pequenas mãos se fechando em punhos ao lado do corpo. A transformação foi tão rápida quanto dolorosa de testemunhar.
“Querida, por favor”, eu implorava, estendendo a mão para ela. “Mike te ama. Ele está se esforçando tanto…”
Mas Lily sempre me cortava, sua voz tremendo de raiva e algo mais que eu não conseguia identificar. Era mágoa? Medo? Eu não entendia o que era então.
Uma mulher angustiada sentada no sofá | Fonte: Midjourney
“Você não entende, mãe! Você nunca vai entender!” ela gritava.
E com isso, ela saía furiosa para o quarto, me deixando no corredor, com o coração pesado de preocupação e frustração.
“Dê tempo a ela”, todos disseram. “Famílias misturadas são difíceis.”
Conforme os meses se transformavam em anos, comecei a me perguntar se Lily aceitaria Mike como parte da nossa família. Cada tentativa que ele fazia de se conectar com ela era recebida com ombros frios ou explosões de raiva.
Um homem chateado segurando a cabeça | Fonte: Midjourney
Meu coração doeu pelos dois — por Lily, que parecia carregar um fardo que eu não conseguia entender, e por Mike, que se esforçou tanto para ser uma boa figura paterna.
Eu mal sabia que tudo estava prestes a mudar de maneiras que eu nunca poderia ter imaginado.
Sou Elizabeth, 35 anos, e uma mãe que tenta o seu melhor para navegar nas águas agitadas de uma família misturada. Meu primeiro marido, o pai biológico de Lily, faleceu quando ela era apenas um bebê. Por anos, éramos apenas nós dois contra o mundo.
Então conheci o Mike.
Um casal se abraçando | Fonte: Unsplash
Mike era tudo o que eu poderia esperar de um parceiro e padrasto. Paciente, gentil e infinitamente compreensivo com o delicado equilíbrio necessário em nossa situação.
Nós nos casamos há quatro anos, quando Lily tinha oito anos, e embora nosso amor se fortalecesse a cada dia, a resistência de Lily em aceitar Mike nunca diminuiu.
“Eu o odeio”, ela dizia, com o rosto jovem e uma expressão determinada.
“Ele te ama, querida”, eu respondia, tentando esconder minha frustração. “Ele só quer fazer parte da nossa família.”
Mas minhas palavras pareciam cair em ouvidos moucos.
Uma garota carrancuda | Fonte: Midjourney
Lily manteve distância, sempre insistindo que tinha suas razões para não aceitar Mike. Essas razões permaneceram um mistério para mim, não importa o quanto eu tentasse descobri-las.
O dia em que tudo mudou começou como qualquer outro. Eu saí para o trabalho, Mike foi para o escritório dele e Lily pegou o ônibus para a escola.
Por volta do meio-dia, uma dor de cabeça terrível me forçou a sair do trabalho mais cedo. Enquanto dirigia para casa, imaginei a casa silenciosa e vazia me esperando… um lugar perfeito para deitar e me recuperar.
Uma mulher dirigindo um carro | Fonte: Unsplash
Mas quando entrei na garagem, notei algo estranho. O carro de Mike estava estacionado de qualquer jeito, como se ele estivesse com pressa. E não era a mochila de Lily na varanda?
Uma sensação de desconforto tomou conta de mim. Por que os dois estavam em casa? Aconteceu alguma coisa?
Aproximei-me da porta da frente, meu coração batendo forte. Estava ligeiramente entreaberta, e eu podia ouvir vozes abafadas de dentro. Respirando fundo, empurrei-a para abrir.
Uma porta aberta | Fonte: Unsplash
“Lily? Mike?”, gritei, mas não houve resposta.
A casa estava estranhamente silenciosa enquanto eu me movia pelo corredor. Mas então ouvi algo que fez meu sangue gelar. Gritos suaves vindos da sala de estar.
Minha mente correu com possibilidades, cada uma pior que a anterior. Eles estavam brigando? Lily tinha se machucado?
Senti meu peito apertar de ansiedade enquanto alcançava a porta da sala de estar. Empurrei-a para abrir, me preparando para o pior.
Mas o que vi me deixou sem fôlego.
Uma mulher boquiaberta em choque | Fonte: Midjourney
Lily estava parada no meio da sala, usando um lindo vestido azul que fluía até o chão. Seu cabelo estava elegantemente penteado, tão diferente de seu rabo de cavalo casual de sempre.
E lá estava Mike, elegante em um terno que eu nunca tinha visto antes.
Os rostos de ambos estavam cobertos de lágrimas.
“Mãe!” Lily arfou, seus olhos arregalados de choque. “Você chegou cedo em casa!”
Entrei na sala, minha mente se esforçando para entender a cena diante de mim.
“O que está acontecendo aqui?”, eu suspirei.
Uma garota assustada | Fonte: Midjourney
Mike se aproximou de mim, suas mãos estendidas em um gesto apaziguador. “Elizabeth, não é o que você pensa. Nós podemos explicar.”
Lily enxugou os olhos apressadamente, seu rosto corado. “Nós estávamos apenas… praticando,” ela deixou escapar.
“Praticando? Praticando para quê?”
Mike e Lily trocaram um olhar que não consegui decifrar. Então Mike respirou fundo e disse: “Para o baile de pai e filha na escola de Lily. Ela… ela me pediu para ir com ela.”
Eu senti como se o chão tivesse se movido sob meus pés. Depois de anos com Lily afastando Mike, isso parecia impossível.
Um homem sorrindo | Fonte: Midjourney
“Mas eu pensei…” Parei de falar, incapaz de terminar a frase.
O lábio inferior de Lily tremeu. “Sinto muito, mãe”, ela disse, com os olhos baixos. “Eu queria que fosse uma surpresa.”
Afundei na cadeira mais próxima, impressionado com a mudança repentina em tudo que eu achava que sabia.
“Não entendo”, eu disse, olhando entre Lily e Mike. “O que mudou?”
Uma mulher atordoada | Fonte: Midjourney
A compostura de Lily desmoronou. Ela correu até mim, caindo de joelhos ao lado da minha cadeira.
“Oh, mãe”, ela soluçou, “eu fui tão cega! Eu achava que odiava Mike, mas não entendia o quanto ele realmente me amava até… até que ele me salvou.”
Meu coração pulou uma batida. “Salvou você? O que você quer dizer, querida?”
Uma menina triste com os olhos fechados | Fonte: Midjourney
Lily respirou fundo, trêmula, e seus olhos encontraram os de Mike por um momento antes de continuar.
“Semana passada, quando eu estava voltando da escola para casa, havia esses meninos mais velhos. Eles estavam me provocando, me empurrando. Eu estava com tanto medo, mãe. E então, de repente, Mike estava lá. Ele os enfrentou e os fez me deixar em paz. Ele era… ele era como um pai de verdade.”
Mike se aproximou, colocando uma mão gentil no ombro de Lily. “Eu não suportaria ver você machucada, Lily. Você significa o mundo para mim, mesmo quando me afasta.”
Um homem com os olhos baixos | Fonte: Midjourney
Senti lágrimas brotando em meus olhos enquanto os observava, percebendo o novo entendimento entre eles.
“Depois disso, percebi o quão estúpida eu fui. Mike não estava substituindo o papai. Ele sempre esteve lá por mim, e eu fui teimosa demais para perceber isso”, Lily concluiu.
“Oh, querida,” sussurrei, puxando-a para um abraço. “Por que você não me contou sobre isso antes?”
“Eu queria te surpreender. Te mostrar que… que nós poderíamos ser uma família de verdade. É por isso que estamos praticando para essa dança. Eu quero consertar as coisas.”
Uma mulher emocional | Fonte: Midjourney
Mike se ajoelhou ao nosso lado, colocando uma mão hesitante no ombro de Lily. “Lily, seu pai sempre será seu pai. Nada pode mudar isso. Não estou tentando substituí-lo. Eu só… eu só quero te amar, se você me deixar.”
Lily se virou para encarar Mike, seus olhos vermelhos. “Eu sei disso agora. E eu quero tentar. É por isso que eu te convidei para o baile. Eu pensei que talvez… talvez pudéssemos recomeçar?”
O rosto de Mike se iluminou com um sorriso tão brilhante que poderia ter alimentado a casa inteira. “Eu gostaria muito disso”, ele disse, abrindo os braços.
Um homem emocionado sorrindo | Fonte: Midjourney
Lily hesitou por apenas um momento antes de se jogar em seu abraço. Eu assisti, lágrimas escorrendo pelo meu rosto enquanto anos de tensão derretiam naquele único abraço.
Quando eles finalmente se separaram, ambos rindo e chorando ao mesmo tempo, eu encontrei minha voz novamente. “Então, essa dança”, eu disse, gesticulando para suas roupas. “Quando você estava planejando me contar sobre isso?”
Lily sorriu timidamente. “Queríamos surpreender você no evento real!”
Uma menina sorrindo | Fonte: Midjourney
Mike limpou a garganta, ajeitando a gravata. “Bem, já que o gato saiu da bolsa, o que você acha de mostrarmos à sua mãe no que estamos trabalhando, Lily?”
Os olhos de Lily brilharam. “Sim! Mãe, você tem que ver nossa dança. Estamos praticando há dias!”
Recostei-me na cadeira, com um largo sorriso no rosto. “Eu não adoraria nada mais.”
Uma mulher com os olhos marejados | Fonte: Midjourney
Quando eles começaram a se movimentar pela sala, fiquei impressionado com o quão naturais eles pareciam juntos.
A mão de Mike pousou gentilmente nas costas de Lily, guiando-a pelos degraus. O rosto de Lily era uma imagem de concentração, sua língua ligeiramente para fora enquanto ela se concentrava em não pisar nos dedos de Mike.
“Um, dois, três… Um, dois, três…” Mike contou suavemente, guiando Lily por um simples passo de caixa.
“Estou fazendo certo?”, ela perguntou, olhando para ele ansiosamente.
O sorriso de Mike era caloroso e encorajador. “Você está indo muito bem, querida. Apenas relaxe e sinta a música.”
Um homem e uma jovem dançando | Fonte: Midjourney
Seus movimentos graciosos acalmavam minha alma. Isso era tudo que eu sempre quis para eles… essa companhia fácil, essa afeição mútua. Esse amor.
A música terminou, e Lily se separou de Mike com um floreio teatral. “Ta-da!” ela exclamou, respirando pesadamente, mas radiante de orgulho.
Bati palmas entusiasticamente, meu coração transbordando de amor por ambos. “Isso foi maravilhoso! Vocês dois formam um belo par.”
Uma mulher alegre batendo palmas | Fonte: Midjourney
Eu sabia que tudo ficaria bem quando olhei para os rostos sorridentes de Mike e Lily. Tínhamos virado uma esquina, e embora eu tivesse certeza de que ainda haveria desafios pela frente, nós os enfrentaríamos juntos como uma família.
No final, o baile não foi apenas um evento escolar; foi uma celebração do amor, da aceitação e da beleza das segundas chances.
Ao abraçar minha filha e meu marido, senti uma esperança avassaladora por nossa família. Juntos, estávamos aprendendo que o amor pode curar até as feridas mais profundas, e que família não é só sobre sangue; é sobre os laços que escolhemos nutrir e o amor que escolhemos dar.
Uma mulher encantada sorrindo | Fonte: Midjourney
Aqui vai outra história : Um único vídeo de câmera escondida da secretária do meu marido afundou meu coração. Eu queria que tivesse sido um caso. Mas o que eu vi foi muito mais devastador.
Este trabalho é inspirado em eventos e pessoas reais, mas foi ficcionalizado para fins criativos. Nomes, personagens e detalhes foram alterados para proteger a privacidade e melhorar a narrativa. Qualquer semelhança com pessoas reais, vivas ou mortas, ou eventos reais é mera coincidência e não intencional do autor.
O autor e a editora não fazem nenhuma reivindicação quanto à precisão dos eventos ou à representação dos personagens e não são responsáveis por nenhuma interpretação errônea. Esta história é fornecida “como está”, e quaisquer opiniões expressas são as dos personagens e não refletem as opiniões do autor ou da editora.
23 Backhanded “Compliments” That Are Actually Insults
Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
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